Life with a Narcissistic Mother: Breaking Free After a Lifetime of Damage: The Mack Truck in My Loungeroom

Intro

For most of my life, I didn’t have the language to explain what I’d been living through. I just knew something felt off—heavy, confusing, and often shameful.My mother was the sun in our household, and everything else—my needs, my feelings, even my identity—was expected to orbit around her.But here's the thing: there was always a Mack truck in the loungeroom.Huge. Unmissable. Damaging everything in its path. And yet somehow, we all acted like it wasn’t there.That truck was her narcissism.The manipulation. The blame and the ultimate act of covering up the most horrific abuse in my life at age 9 – telling me to keep my mouth shut; this cover up shaped the rest of my life in so many ways.  The constant tightrope walk to keep the peace.And I internalised it all—believing I was the problem, the disappointment, the emotional burden and shrinking more and more.

Living in the Shadow of a Narcissistic Parent

Growing up with a narcissistic mother isn’t just difficult. It’s identity-altering.I was parentified from an early age—expected to manage her moods, be the emotional caretaker, and never, ever disappoint. I wasn’t seen for who I was. I was who she needed me to be. And over time, I lost any real sense of self.For decades, I didn’t have self-esteem. I had performance.I didn’t have boundaries. I had guilt.And I didn’t have autonomy. I had obligation.Even as an adult, I couldn’t summon the strength to cut her off—not because I didn’t know the damage, but because the codependency ran so deep it felt like betrayal.And that cost me.It bled into my marriages.It shaped the way I mothered my children.It made me second-guess my choices, apologise for my existence, and feel selfish for trying to create space.I didn’t truly begin to untangle myself from her grasp until my 50s. That’s how long it took to understand that loving someone does not mean surrendering your soul.

The General Effects of Growing Up with a Narcissistic Parent

- Lack of identity – You don’t know who you are outside of someone else’s expectations.- Chronic guilt – You feel bad for saying no or having needs of your own.- Low self-esteem – You believe your worth is based on how much you give, fix, or please.- Codependency – You’re wired to prioritise others’ feelings over your own safety or truth.- Fear of conflict – Because standing up for yourself has always come with emotional punishment.- Self-doubt in parenting – You struggle to trust yourself, unsure if you're repeating cycles or overcorrecting.- Toxic relationship patterns – You attract emotionally unavailable, controlling, or narcissistic partners.

How to Recognise the Impact

- Do I feel responsible for how others feel?- Do I stay silent to avoid upsetting people?- Do I feel guilty for setting boundaries?- Do I feel like a “bad” person when I prioritise myself?- Do I still feel like a child around my parent?If you’re nodding along, it’s not because you’re broken—it’s because you were conditioned to survive a dynamic that never made room for you.

Healing Starts with Distance—And Without Guilt

Here’s the truth I wish I’d known earlier:You cannot heal in the same environment that broke you.It doesn’t always mean cutting them off completely—though for some, that’s the safest option.But it does mean finding a way to emotionally detach, break the cycle of obligation, and give yourself permission to live a life that doesn’t revolve around pleasing them.You are allowed to:- Protect your peace- Say no without explanation- Choose your own wellbeing- Step back without guilt

Final Thoughts

It took me over 50 years to realise I wasn’t the broken one.I was just raised in a system that required me to abandon myself in order to belong. But survival isn’t the goal anymore—healing is.You are not selfish for needing distance.You are not cruel for drawing boundaries.You are not ungrateful for wanting peace.You are simply learning what real love and self-worth feel like—maybe for the first time.

If you can relate to this and would like to have a no obligation chat, feel free to send me an email mandy@breakthroughproject.org .  No obligation whatsoever.

Affirmation

I am no longer responsible for managing anyone else's emotions.I release the guilt that was never mine to carry.I choose peace, boundaries, and self-worth—on my own terms.

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog x

Mandy J

Mandy Collins | Breakthrough Coachingwww.mandycollins.com.au