SELF-REFLECTION, NOT SELF-BLAME: THE POWER OF ACCOUNTABILITY

When we think about toxic relationships, we often focus on what the other person did—the manipulation, the dishonesty, the emotional wounds they caused. And while recognizing toxicity is important, there’s another piece of the puzzle that’s just as crucial to our healing and growth: taking accountability for our own behaviours, even in a toxic dynamic.

I’ll be the first to admit that in past toxic relationships, I wasn’t aware of the toxicity I was bringing into them. I knew the relationship wasn’t healthy. I was deeply affected by the actions, behaviours, and words of the other person, and I make no excuses for them. But what I didn’t do—until much later—was look at how I was contributing to that dynamic. I fell into the role of victim without realising my own part in the situation.

For some context, I was raised by a narcissistic mother who impacted my life for far too long before I made big changes. That upbringing played a huge role in how I responded in relationships, and unfortunately, it wasn’t always in a healthy way. Because I hadn’t dealt with my childhood wounds, I wasn’t emotionally aware enough to see how they were affecting my relationships.

Looking back, I can now clearly see my part in the toxicity, and I’ve worked hard to change those patterns. But at first, I went too far in the other direction—blaming myself completely and carrying a huge amount of guilt. Thankfully, I’ve reached a place where I can acknowledge both sides of the situation. I take responsibility for my behaviours without minimising or excusing what the other person did. That’s when I was truly able to heal and move forward with peace in my heart. Eventually, I felt proud—not just for leaving that relationship but for gaining the self-awareness to never repeat those patterns again.

Accountability Is Not About Blame

One of the biggest misconceptions about accountability is that it means taking the blame for everything that went wrong. That’s not what accountability is. It’s about recognizing our own choices, patterns, and reactions—without excusing the harmful behaviour of others.

Even in a toxic relationship, we have power over our responses. We may not have controlled how the other person treated us, but we did make decisions along the way—whether that was staying longer than we should have, ignoring red flags, or engaging in unhealthy patterns ourselves.

Acknowledging these things isn’t about blaming ourselves; it’s about empowering ourselves to make different choices in the future.

Why Taking Accountability Matters

1. It Helps Us Break the Cycle – If we only focus on what the other person did, we risk repeating the same patterns in future relationships. Recognising our own role helps us make different choices moving forward.

2. It Gives Us Back Our Power – When we take accountability, we shift from being victims of circumstance to active participants in our own healing.

3. It Strengthens Our Self-Awareness – Understanding why we tolerated certain behaviours or engaged in unhealthy patterns helps us heal and grow.

4. It Creates Healthier Boundaries – Once we acknowledge where we ignored our own needs or compromised our boundaries, we can establish stronger ones moving forward.

Ways to Take Accountability Without Self-Blame

• Recognise Patterns Without Judgment – Look at past relationships and identify patterns. Were you overly accommodating? Did you struggle to say no? Did you dismiss your own needs?

• Acknowledge Triggers and Responses – Reflect on how you reacted to toxic behaviours. Did you engage in the toxicity by arguing, shutting down, or trying to ‘fix’ them? Understanding your reactions can help you respond differently in the future.

• Practice Self-Compassion – Taking accountability isn’t about beating yourself up. It’s about growth. Remind yourself that you did the best you could with the knowledge and emotional resources you had at the time.

• Commit to Different Choices – Moving forward, set clear boundaries, trust your intuition, and honour your own needs in relationships.

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Final Thoughts

Taking accountability for our own behaviours in a toxic relationship doesn’t mean justifying mistreatment or shifting responsibility away from those who hurt us. It means stepping into our own power, recognising our role in the dynamic, and making intentional choices to create healthier relationships in the future. True healing begins when we own our story—not with shame, but with the wisdom to create something better.

Mandy